Return of the Mack

So much of my life is defined by guilt - what I OUGHT to be doing, what I SHOULD be doing - and I really hate it. I am going to work on changing that.

The concept of guilt as a defining emotion is brought into sharp and clear focus any time illness comes into the picture. I have a couple of different issues that can knock me out - one a episodic mental problem that has inspired my 'Tales from the Loony Bin', as well as a few script ideas; the others my health issues that have plagued me since I was a kid. Either one can knock me out of contention for a few days, but at least with my depression problems, I have ways of coping - intense, aggressive positive thinking (ie: 'This -will- be a good day, you -will- get work done, no one hates you...'), meditation, what have you. Not so much with this recent bout of infection.

Infections are perhaps amongst the most evil of ailments. Incredible pain, dizziness, lightheadedness, cold and exhaustion - plus whatever side effects one gets from massive amounts of antibiotics trying to shore up the bodily defenses. In other words - Dude, I am tired. Tired and incredibly emotional a month-and-a-half long illness - seriously, I get weepy just from pain or thinking about how fucking long this thing has lasted. But. I am getting better. Monday through Wednesday, I looked like paper-white, even with blush. Today, I have some colour back.

Anyway, this gets back to the guilt thing - the past two weeks have been, shall we say, not the most reliable at work. This week in particular, I have been out more than in, but I've been doing my best to work from home - as much as I can when I'm all hurty. But even so, I feel like crap about not being here - even if there's nothing much I could do, even if the day I -was- in early in the week was hell, even if I was in such intense pain all weekend and early in the week that painkillers worked for an hour and I slept to escape the hurting. Despite KNOWING that I needed that time to heal, I feel awful about it - even when I got a kind email from WProducer noting that she was sorry she wasn't aware of my illness. But still, guilt. Guilt for missing work, for not working on side projects, for not writing, for all the various stuff I'm supposed to do and can't get the energy for. It's something I'd like to move past, but I don't know if it's that easy...

Even if there's nothing wrong with doing what you can when you can. I think our society gets far too wrapped up in productivity at the expense of people - people get sick and there's no magic pill that heals them; for issues that aren't defined as 'in-patient', sometimes a person just needs rest to give their body a chance to fight off the illness. Work culture is not very understanding of that, which is just bizarre - we've all dragged ourselves in when we have no right to be standing, let alone being out in public. Thankfully, whatever problems I've had here, they seem too be not-too-pissed about the whole ear-thing. Which is nice.

So, I'm back - hopefully for good. Have an appointment with a specialist on Wednesday. On the work-front, new developments: A tape of 'beauty' shots from a trip far, far away for Show #1 is royally fucked which has made producer Dee very, understandably upset; the new comedy seems to have good buzz and be going along well; Show #2 is doing well. I'm slogging through stuff and getting saddled with sponsor contact - big surprise. I've also applied to a specific and fascinating job with one of the bigger entertainment conglomerates, which I am hoping to get called for. As much as people are lovely here, I would like some more security than this place provides.